The Working Class - Bludgers One & All!

The Living Wage? At $27.80? Outrageous. Obscene, even. Why, some of these people were probably managing to buy both food and shoes in the same week. Can't have that. Finance Minister Nicola Willis, champion of “fiscal discipline” (translation: belt-tightening for the poor, more belts for the well-off), has announced that future government contracts won’t require employers to pay the Living Wage.

Because apparently, paying someone enough to survive without begging for state handouts is anti-business. And we all know, the real battlers here are corporations bidding for cleaning contracts who’ve been tragically forced to pay their staff like actual humans.

Now, those essential workers will join the proud tradition of working full-time and still not being able to pay the power bill. But not to worry—they can simply queue up for Working For Families, and enjoy the Kafkaesque thrill of proving they're poor enough for assistance, while working hard enough not to have time to apply for it.

If you're wondering how those in power sleep at night, rest easy—they sleep very well. They’ve got security guards on the door, catering staff plating up the venison, and cleaners scrubbing the loos at 3 a.m.—all soon to be on the minimum wage, or as it’s affectionately known: “just enough to keep you alive, not enough to make noise.”